


Rainy days are yours to keep

by RocioWrites



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 08:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1975404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RocioWrites/pseuds/RocioWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Drowning/self-harm TW] "And it got me thinking about spending your life with people who loves you. I feel like for me, it’s only gonna be spending my life with people I love."<br/>(Or the fic where Nagisa is really emotional, Rin is a worried friend despite his denying it, MakoHaru are still a married couple except that now Rin is always there too & Rei is a cute dork pretty much in love.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rainy days are yours to keep

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Uh there’s this part where Nagisa keeps himself under water more than he can hold his breath - hence the drowning tw. I guess it can also be taken as self-punishment or self-harm so mind that, please. I didn’t write it like that but reading it now I think it’s only fair to make a warning, better safe than sorry.
> 
> A/N: This started as a short drabble - but then it became this too long fic. I just wanted an excuse to write angsty Reigisa with troubled!Nagisa and MakoHaruRin as an OT3 because hell yes. Title comes from The Rasmus’ Sail Away that has nothing to do with anything in this fic.  
> This was written before Eternal Summer aired - which I haven't watched yet so please, no spoilers if you decide to review!

It tugs at his chest and weighs him down, he’s pretty sure the only reason he’s staying afloat is because if he sinks that will defy some physics law he knows Rei can name and explain to him. But right now he doesn’t feel like it. He feels like sinking and letting the warm water scrub the twisting in his guts away.

Nagisa smiles at the sight, he’s happy after all. It’s about time he starts feeling like that though. For now he just rests his arms on the side of the pool, body still in the water and smiles at them. Rin has an arm around Makoto’s shoulder and they’re laughing, Haruka is trying really hard to look annoyed but he’s failing miserably and everyone can see that special glint in his eyes when he’s looking at his best friends.

He goes underwater, closing his eyes shut tight. A few bubbles escape from his mouth and he thinks that maybe leaving the swimming club should be his next move. Rei is nowhere to be found, probably in the locker room, sending a text to his mother who’s pretty overprotective.

 _That’s nice_ , Nagisa thinks. Because she loves Rei dearly and worries a bit too much even now that Rei has proven her that he’s more socially apt and has friends of his own.

He can’t take it anymore and goes up again, greedily sucking air into his lungs. It burns a bit, he shouldn’t have stayed underwater for that long but it’s okay. Maybe he really should just leave.

Rin’s barking at Haruka a heartfelt threat and it seems almost dangerous if not for Makoto holding him by the wrist, smiling indulgently at the way Haruka is provoking Rin. And when did they start to be so comfortable touching each other? Nagisa vaguely remembers how Haruka was breathless that one time when he ‘accidentally’ answered Makoto’s mobile phone and he could swear Rin’s voice was whispering something not too far away behind him.

He laughs to himself, what a weird thing the three of them have going on.

The noises he makes bring three pairs of eyes to rest on him. Nagisa smiles and it’s funny how he doesn’t feel like he’s smiling at all. Three faces contort looking at him and he sees that unmistakable flash of worry on those eyes. Rin looks towards the locker room, surely asking where the fuck Rei is. Because really, since Rei showed up he’s been the one always at Nagisa’s side. That’s good he supposes. Even when most of the time he’s only bothering Rei.

Makoto rushes to the pool, fatherly worry all over his face. Nagisa goes underwater again but even then he hears the mumble of Makoto’s voice calling him. He shakes his head and Haruka stands beside Rin, watching. Makoto’s lips are moving, saying something. If he looks hard enough, Nagisa could make up the words but doesn’t feel like it. The water is really warm against his skin and who cares, he can stay here forever now.

Haruka and Makoto share a look, Rin looks too worried for his own good. Nagisa can’t remember the last time he got those glances directed at him, with such intensity it almost makes him shiver.

Rin says something and turns around, maybe Rei is coming to collect Nagisa out of the pool. Isn’t it what he’s been doing all this time? Collecting Nagisa and directing his bubbly self out of the way.

Haruka jumps into the pool, done with it. And takes Nagisa with him to the surface, he’s been down there too long again and his lungs ache with the need of air. He thinks this time the laugh is not a laugh at all and it hurts. Haru doesn’t maintain contact for too long;  _it’s a pity_ , he thinks. Makoto takes his hand and helps him out of the pool.

"Nagisa…" He barely murmurs and Nagisa hears that awful sound and it’s coming out of his mouth. He sobs like a little child but doesn’t hug Makoto. What for? He can’t anyway. Because Makoto belongs to Haruka and Rin. Just as much as Rin belongs to them and Haruka belongs to Makoto and Rin. It always has been this way.

Rei is still nowhere to be found.

_Oh right, he had this doctor appointment so he had to leave early, silly him._

Nagisa keeps crying and three of his best friends have no idea what to do.

"Oi, what’s the problem?" And Rin is kinda cute when he seems uncomfortably worried.

Nagisa really tries to stop now but it feels as if he can’t.

"Nagisa." Haruka pulls himself out of the pool and that must be a first because Makoto’s huge hand is always the one helping him out.

Makoto’s eyes soften at Nagisa, and no, wait, what did he do to deserve that look all to himself?

"Do you want me to call Rei?" He asks slowly and patiently. Makoto knows that’s not what he wants but it’s an innocent enough of a question to get something out of him. _Makoto is really smart_ , Nagisa feels the words stuck in his throat and shakes his head.

He breathes in and out, trying to calm his heart - when it started to beat so fast he doesn’t know.

"My oldest sister is getting married." He blurts, surprising not only Makoto and Rin but himself too. Haruka is behind him so he’s not sure what expression he has right now.

"Isn’t that…" But Makoto fails to continue.

"That should be a good thing." Rin supplies.

Haruka walks to stand beside them and nods.

"It is!" He claims. "The guy she’s marrying is a good man!" He insists.

It’s clear he’s not lying, he truly thinks that and Rin has a hard time conecting the dots. They all have, to be fair.

"What is it then?" This time Haruka’s voice is as soft as Makoto’s.

"Just me being silly!" He wipes the tears away, willing the muscles on his face to just react already and smile like he’s supposed to.

"Nagisa…"

He does laugh this time. He still feels like sinking though.

"Does this have to with Rei?" Rin tries.

And Nagisa stops laughing but immediately schools his expression. "Nu-uh." He shivers, cold wind blowing, he’s still soaking wet. "Need to get changed guys! Practice is finished, right?"

That’s not what he wants to say, that’s not what he wants to do. In fact, all he wants is to cling to Makoto or Haru and ask what did they do to be this happy now? How did Rin fit so perfectly there? And why? Why was he feeling like this?

"Yeah, practice is finished." Makoto affirms, watching him carefully.

There are still track marks on Nagisa’s cheeks, like he’s been crying longer than any of them cared to notice. It squeezes Makoto’s heart in the wrong way and Haruka sees that instantly, holding his hand so suddenly that it probably upsets Nagisa.

If it does, he doesn’t show and walks calmly towards the locker room.

"That was weird." Rin announces. And Haruka nods. "Has Nagisa always been this good at hiding his feelings?"

Makoto is afraid Nagisa is in fact better than he thought.

"It looks like it." Haruka concludes.

*

*

 _Swim practice was boring without you_. Nagisa texts Rei. It’s well past midnight and Rei should be asleep by now but he sends it anyway because it makes him feel better all the same.

He buries his face in his pillow and thinks about how the guys had found him crying in the pool. He makes an embarrassed sound at the back of his throat.

A ‘ding’ has him looking at his night stand where sure enough his pink mobile phone is glowing.

_You practiced with me Nagisa-san. The walk home was boring without me I suppose._

"Everything is boring without you, Rei-chan." He replies out loud to the phone not mustering enough will to actually write that and send the text.

*

*

"Your boyfriend is here!" His sister screams from the door, letting the other in, and walking away uninterested.

"REI-CHAAAAAN!"

Nagisa cheery self comes down the stairs in a blurry haze of pink, orange and blond hair and Rin is left dumbstruck when Nagisa stops at mere inches from him, breathing hard from the effort it took him to stay balanced all the time.

"Oh, you’re not Rei." He states the obvious and Rin grins sheepishly.

"Sorry to disappoint."

However, Nagisa recovers fast and is smiling at him, bright and open and it makes Rin think of times when they were kids and Nagisa would smile like that just to cheer him up.

"Ah it’s okay. My sisters always call me with ‘your boyfriend is here!’. I just assumed it was Rei since he’s the only one who actually comes here."

Rin is not sure if that explanation makes him really at ease but he won’t complain right now.

"Busy?" He says instead, to which Nagisa answers shaking his head. "Have an ice-cream with me?" Nagisa opens his mouth ready to say something, his eyes too wide to be taken seriously. “It’s okay.” Rin assures him.  _It’s not a date_ is what he actually meant. Nagisa gets it quick enough and it makes Rin want to smile - that obtuse ‘friendship-smile’, Makoto calls it. Rin does not posses such smile, no, but for Nagisa? Hey, he might try it. For the old times sakes.

"Let me get my phone then."

*

Rin makes him walk aimlessly - or so Nagisa thinks. He whines all the way, attaching himself to Rin’s arms.

"You’re too muscular now." He says and Rin actually blushes which is priceless, making Nagisa laugh and more prone to keep walking. It’s nice, it feels familiar.

They arrive at the tiniest coffee shop he’s ever seen but Rin looks comfortable and walks him in, choosing a spot for them. They can see the ocean from their sits and it’s tainting itself with the colors of the changing sky, orange and deep blue flashing from its surface.  _It’s beautiful_. And it makes Nagisa smile, that’s so  _Rei_.

Rin orders for them and he allows it, intently watching the shore and the vague shadows of people coming and going.

"Thank you." Nagisa sounds so grateful that Rin looks away mumbling some sort of answer under his breath. "Is it really okay though?"

"Huh? Of course it is. Why? Is Ryugazaki that jealous of a boyfriend?" He jokes.

"Not really. He gets all flustered and lies by saying he doesn’t mind. It’s scary how far he can take it to make it seem he’s not mad - even if he really is." Rin struggles with his tongue, unable to reply to that. Nagisa smiles sweetly and yeah, Rin can see Rei being just like that. "But we’re not really boyfriends." Nagisa clarifies.

"You should." He says.

A petite brunette brings two huge plates full of ice-cream and Nagisa’s eyes light up like bonfires. He starts eating immediately and it’s cute, Rin won’t say it out loud of course. He takes a few bites himself but the special thing here is watching Nagisa eat so contently.

Nagisa gets a cold headache soon enough and it’s forced to eat more slowly. They watch the ocean and it’s sort of nice to have Nagisa so quiet for so long.

Rin coughs to draw his attention.

"Hmmmm?"

"About what happened the other day." He begins and Nagisa tenses but wills himself to relax. "So, I was wondering… um." Rin is not as impossible with words as Haru is but he could use some help by now. "I don’t know man, are you okay?" He finishes, frustrated with himself.

"Yes!"

And that’s all he says. Rin gapes at him, like  _what the fuck dude just be honest_. Nagisa tilts his head, closing his eyes and smiles, really looking like Makoto for a bit and it creeps Rin out.

"Sweet Jesus, don’t do that." Nagisa laughs and tries his best to magically create more ice-cream by rasping the spoon against his plate. "I’ll order more." He offers and Nagisa nods energetically. He signs for the girl to bring more and doesn’t care to elaborate exactly what type of ice-cream either. Seriously, there’s no need, Nagisa will eat it either way.

"Thanks."

"Is your sister moving once she gets married?"

It’s unexpected and Nagisa looks like he hasn’t thought about it yet. He looks at the plate and then at Rin and then at the plate again. "Probably."

"Okay." Rin seems like plotting a way to get Nagisa to open up but it’s not working. "Have you ever…?" He cuts himself off and Nagisa resists the urge to emulate Makoto once more. "Have you ever thought about marrying?" He spits more than anything,  _he’s really troubled when talking about sensitive things_  Nagisa notices. It’s endearing.

"We’re too young for you to propose RinRin!" Nagisa practically screams while the girl is coming with another huge plate and her steps falter, obviously being distracted by Nagisa’s words.

"You little…!" She smiles weakly at them, leaving the ice-cream on the table and goes away briskly. “You. Little. Shit.” He says menacingly but deflates quickly, and grins,  _you got me good_. After all, this is why they became such good friends as kids, they both were the bests at wrecking chaos and pulling pranks at others. Nagisa is still a master at this, his innocent air and his cute little smile makes him perfect for it, people wouldn’t get mad at some kid like Nagisa.

"I have. From time to time." Nagisa admits. "I wanted to marry Mako-chan when we were kids."

_Oh._

"Oh." Nagisa keeps eating and Rin feels his stomach doing somersaults. “You wanted to marry Makoto.” He repeats.

The other nods, absentmindedly. Rin watches him, something inside him hurting. Nagisa catches up suddenly and his eyes are sparkling.

"Not like  _that_!”

"Like that?" _What’s that supposed to mean?_

"That was when we were kids. I don’t feel like that for Mako now." Rin sighs, relieved. "I don’t like Makoto romantically, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure he has too much with you two already."

"Excuse you?" Nagisa impersonates Makoto again, this time it’s more accurate and the smile do reach his pink eyes and  _damn._  “Stop that!”

He laughs loudly and Rin thinks he can hear the girl whimpering from the other side of the door that guides to the kitchen. He threatens Nagisa in a low breath but the blond ignores him completely.

"And as I was saying," He begins once the laughter has subsided. "you don’t need to worry about me and Mako-chan. You and Haru-chan have him aaallll to yourselves."

"You’ve picked up on it, huh? And what about Gou?"

"I’m pretty sure everyone knows by now. Except maybe Ai-chan." Rin arches an eyebrow at him. "What?" He grins.

"Are we okay then?" Rin inquiries at last.

"Yep."

"I thought…" He doesn’t need to explain himself, Nagisa is not asking for clarifications. He goes on anyway. "I thought that you’d be mad at me. For becoming in between Haruka and Makoto."

"You’ve always been there Rin." Nagisa is suddenly serious and Rin’s throat is dry. "I’m happy you’re not a ghost anymore."

"Don’t you think it’s weird though?" He minds himself to speak in a low tone. "I mean, three guys. Makoto and Haruka have been married since forever, but me… Well, I don’t know, sometimes I feel like—" He cuts himself off. Wait, why was he talking about this? He was here to figure out what was wrong with Nagisa, not to pour his heart out. What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Nagisa has an easy smile on his face, eyes knowingly tender. It renders him speechless.

"You’ve always been with Mako-chan and Haru-chan." He says in a definite tone. "It’s nice that now you’re really here."

"What happened that day then?" There’s no answer. Rin sighs. Maybe pouring his heart out is the only way. "I thought that you were crying because since I’m back…" Nagisa perks up at this, licking his spoon and watching him carefully. "I don’t know, I think I’ve been only paying attention to Haruka and now Makoto. And well, you and I are friends too, right?" He finishes flashing his sharp teeth in an honest smile.

"You’re a bit egocentric don’t you think RinRin?" Rin  _tch_ s but waits for it. “I used to be jealous you know? Because it didn’t matter what I did, I was never going to be like Haru, Mako or you. I was never going to draw attention. I wasn’t fitting in.” Rin sucks in a breath. “Silly, isn’t it? And now that you’re back, I feel it again, full force. It’s not your fault, don’t worry. But I feel like I’m still not fitting in.”

"Nagisa…"

"I  _know_  I’m part of the team, Rin.” He drawls. “But my sister is getting married. And it got me thinking about spending your life with people who loves you.”  _Rei comes to mind._  “I feel like for me, it’s only gonna be spending my life with people I love.”

"Are you… are you angsting because Ryugazaki hasn’t asked you out yet?"

"Oh no. I’ll probably ask him out sometime next week." Nagisa tells him in such a manner that makes this whole conversation ridiculous. "It’s just that Rei and I are not gonna last."

"What?" Rin is seriously not getting it. Nagisa smiles but it’s self depreciating and it makes him mad. "Why?" He demands now.

The blond inspects him like this is obvious. "People can only stand me for so long. We’ll make a cute couple and with some luck, we’ll be together until we finish school. But then Rei is surely going to some important college to study mathematics, physics and all those boring subjects he loves. I’m not good at them. So it’s only logical we will break up by then."

"I’m not fucking following you!" He’s frustrated. "Who decided all this?! If you don’t want to ask Rei out, you don’t have to. If you do become boyfriends and you both don’t want to break up, you don’t have to. Why are you thinking like this Nagisa?"

Nagisa opens his mouth ready to answer but his phone starts ringing. He takes it out of his pocket and frowns at it. Rin does the same as if the poor object has made something to personally offend him.

"It’s my sister. I should get going." Rin nods but it doesn’t feel like this is over. "See you around!" He waves from the door and runs down the street to the bus stop.

"Bye." Rin barks.

*

*

Rin hasn’t told them everything, he can tell. He doesn’t mind. He bounces to where Haruka and Makoto are eating lunch on the rooftop of the school. Rei tags alongs and greets the other two enthusiastically.

Haruka only glances at him and Rei notices but Nagisa won’t comment on it. He’s sure Makoto won’t either.

He smiles either way and talks to them like nothing has ever happened. It revolves Makoto’s insides, he knows. Nagisa can see it, how he’s struggling with himself, ready to launch himself in some speech about how Nagisa will find the perfect person to love and be loved.

_So cute._

"Makoto is definitely a hopeless romantic." He says. And freezes. That wasn’t supposed to come out of his mouth.

Rei splutters through his food and Haruka blinks, confused. Makoto automatically blushes, embarrassed that Nagisa was able to read him so clearly.

"He is." Haruka confirms.

"Has something happened?" Rei asks, lost at the interaction.

Nagisa shakes his head.

"No." Haruka verbalizes for them.

Makoto doesn’t look up from his food for the rest of the lunch.

*

*

_Are you free this weekend?_

No, too straightforward. He deletes it.

_Help me with my homework this weekend please!_

Nagisa watches the tiny screen and wonders. It’s not the first white lie he’s said to spend time with Rei so it’s no big deal. Somehow, today, it does feel like a big deal.

"Argh!"

He has the urge to throw his phone against the wall but he refrains from doing so, he can’t risk damaging the device that much.

With a final defeated sigh, he deletes the second message and leaves the thing alone, trying to focus on his homework instead.

*

*

Makoto looks like a cute and proud father walking with the twins, each one holding onto one of his hands. Nagisa waves calling his name and the kids hear him above the muttering of the rest of the parents picking their kids up.

"Nagisa!" Makoto cries out, walking hurriedly to where he is.

"Hi Mako-chan." He says sucking on his red round lollipop.

"Candies!" Ran screams and Ren looks at the bag in Nagisa’s hand.

"Behave you two." Makoto instructs and Nagisa smiles, offering some more reasonable sized lollipops. Ran takes two from his hand but Ren seems to be assessing the situation "Go ahead." Mako encourages. Ren nods and takes the other three. "What do we say?"

"Thank you!" Both kids say in unison with a solemn voice, a well-practiced sentence.

"You’re welcome."

"Walk with us? I would like to talk to you if you have a minute."

"Sure."

*

Mrs. Tachibana fusses over the four of them, thanking Nagisa for sharing his sweets with the twins and it makes him so ridiculously happy he only replies by giving her more candies to give them later.

Makoto blushes and thanks him too and Nagisa can totally see where that smile comes from, Mrs. Tachibana’s smile is warmer though since she has years of experience being a mother.

They end up playing videogames with the kids and Nagisa finds it extremely amusing how Ren and Ran talk about Haru and his amazing skills at kicking Makoto’s ass in every videogame. The big brother protests softly, smiling, amused too. They fall asleep around Makoto and Nagisa tries to remember if he ever was that close to his sisters.

He’s pretty sure that’s not the case.

"Let me put them to bed." Makoto whispers.

"Okay."

First, Makoto carries Ran. Moments later Mrs. Tachibana comes in to carry Ren too. She gives him a soft smile and Nagisa returns it, feeling content.

"Done." Makoto comes back in and sits beside him, videogames forgotten now that two little voices aren’t demanding anything. Nagisa smiles at Makoto this time. "Um, what I wanted to talk about…" He begins and stares.

"I talked to Rin." Nagisa announces.

"Ah, that doesn’t really calm me down."

"You don’t need to worry. I’m okay. I was just thinking too much! It’s not something good for me to do."

"Did Rin tell you…?"

"Yes. It’s alright." Nagisa smiles bright and full and knows he needs to do it this way if only to not worry Makoto. "I’m so happy for you guys!"

*

*

He sets for  _Help me with my homework this weekend please!_  and hits the ‘send’ button. He waits a few heartbeats but the house is so quiet he feels like sinking again and he can’t have that.

_So, how does sex work for you three?_

Rin calls him immediately to scream at him and it cheers Nagisa up. Rin insults him and it’s funny because he can  _hear_ the embarrassment.

"Based in your reaction, Ai-chan was right then. You  _are_  a bottom.”

"We were talking about bunker beds for fuck’s sake!"

"I was just curious." He states lively, sitting on his bed.

"Tsk. Like hell you were." And his voice changes, mocking now. "I’ll tell you if you tell me how far you and Ryugazaki have gone."

"That’s easy. We’ve just kissed and groped." Rin babbles something unintelligible from the other side. "Oh and this one time, my sister was in the room next to us and Rei was so nervous he couldn’t get it up so I blew him." Nagisa says, merrily.

"Wha— what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"You’re quite naive RinRin~" He sing-songs.

"You asshole!" Nagisa laughs so much he almost ignores the dull ‘ding’ announcing an incoming text message. "Ugh now I’ll have nightmares about you two, you’re gross Nagisa."

"Like you don’t want to blow Makoto." He mutters under his breath but he’s pretty sure Rin heard him anyway.

"What did you just say you little fucker?"

"I talked to Mako-chan." He changes the subject quickly, just in case.

"Oh?"

"He’s really worried about what we might think of him when it comes to your lovely threesome."

"Makoto is too proper." Rin explains, he aims to sound uninterested but there’s fondness lacing his words.

"You and Haru-chan are more rebel-like, yes?" Nagisa giggles. "You all three are like cute sea creatures plushies."

"Shut up!" Nagisa giggles some more and Rin speaks over the sound. "So why did you call?"

"I didn’t. I texted you. You called."

"Were you really…?"

"No."

"Oh thank goodness." Pure relief pours from his voice and Nagisa lays on his bed watching the ceiling while hearing Rin’s breathing. "So, did you ask Ryugazaki out yet?"

Nagisa blinks, the nagging weight of the unread reply present in his mind.

"No."

"What are you waiting for?"

"Hmm, maybe the weekend."

"You do th—- Eh?" Nagisa hears murmurs and he bets Aiichirou is telling Rin something. Maybe it’s time for their daily jogging session. "Ah right. I have to go now."

"Sure, see you around!"

"Bye." The line goes quiet but Rin hasn’t hung up yet. "And good luck, with Rei." He barely articulates and before Nagisa can thank him, he’s already hung up.

He inspects his mobile phone, he can’t ignore Rei’s message now. He doesn’t have to wait for it either and that’s good.

_Of course. You can help me improve my swimming once we’re done with homework._

Nagisa smiles.

The sinking feeling is back.

*

*

Everything is silent except for the soft splash of Haruka moving smoothly inside the pool. Nagisa is sprawled on the floor watching the clouds.

Makoto and Kou had a meeting with some administratives of the school to talk about the budget and other boring stuff. Rei had a follow up appointment with his doctor. So that leaves only Nagisa and Haruka there.

The day was sunny, perfect for tons of ice-cream and maybe scary movies at night. Nagisa vacantly thinks it’s too late to ask Rei to watch movies with him that same night.

"Nagisa." When Haruka came out of the water is a mystery but he’s now standing above him, and Nagisa can’t watch the clouds anymore.

"Yes?" But he doesn’t get up. He sees the corners of Haruka’s mouth lift.

Haruka doesn’t elaborate and sits besides him.

"No one has joined the swim team since Rei." It’s a fact, there’s no need to feel disappointed.

"It’s true."

"We should make more posters." Haruka looks at him and Nagisa is pretty sure he’s actually thinking that the club is better this way, only the four of them. Nagisa smiles, it makes him happy but still. "Once we get a good swimmer I could just leave the club." Haruka looks rightfully ofended and pins him down with something akin a glare, like he can’t believe Nagisa just said that. “I don’t have natural talent like you, I don’t put muscles like Mako and I don’t have the perseverance Rei has to train that hard. I’m pretty useless here, only holding you guys back.”

"That’s not true." He sounds so serious. "You’re essential.”

"I am not!" Nagisa answers lightly, almost laughing.

"You know how we’re back being friends with Rin thanks to Rei’s intervention?" Nagisa nods. "You gave Rei the opportunity to be this important to us. If you hadn’t insisted on creating the club and got Rei into it in the first place…"

Nagisa’s mouth forms a soundless O.  _That kind of makes sense actually_. He nods, motivated now. Feeling a lot better, in fact he decides against clarifying that actually Rei got into swimming because  _Haruka’s swimming_ was beautiful.

Steps echo and they both hear Kou and Mako making casual conversation as they come closer. Haruka directs a pointed look at him, as if saying  _Think hard about this. You are essential, please don’t leave._

Nagisa is not Makoto but he feels confident enough that’s what Haru means.

*

*

Weekend finally rolls around. He says his goodbyes to his parents and the two sisters that are going with them. The rest of the girls disappear sometime before lunch.

Nagisa sighs, it’s really weird to have the house all to himself. He doesn’t know how Haru can live all alone.

Rei arrives at 4 pm o’clock like he had promised a few days before, and immediately notices the silence - which is never present in a full house like the Hazuki residence.

"Are you alone?"

"Nope." Rei rearranges his glasses even if they were perfect in the first place, looking around like he’s not buying it. "I’m with Rei-chan!" Nagisa explains.

A little blush creeps to his cheeks and nods. "Let’s start with mathematics because I know you didn’t understand that last formula we’ve learnt."

"Yes, yes." Nagisa mumbles, making his way up the stairs to his room.

"Where— where are you going?" The pink in his cheeks intensifies and it’s cute.

"My room, as always."

"But the house is empty!" Rei complains weakly.

Nagisa inspects him. It’s not the first time they’re up in his room but yes, it’s the first time they’re all alone. A sly grin breaks loose on his face.

"Are you worried I’ll take advantage of you Rei-chan?"

"That’s not it!" He squeaks and it’s definitely it.

"Then what’s the problem?"

"Um." He looks around one last time before following him. "No, nothing."

*

Nagisa yawns, stretching his arms way over his head, bored out of his mind. Rei looks cute with that concentrated look, frowning slightly. He goes back to the last exercise but even when he’s pretty sure he can solve it, he doesn’t feel like doing it.

He yawns again trying to catch Rei’s eyes. He sees the corner of his mouth twitch humorously and his eyebrows take a more natural place. Nagisa kind of mewls to him and that makes it, Rei is looking up, feigning annoyance.

"Hey." Rei whispers. And it’s intimate and Nagisa feels a shiver run down his spine.

The words he said to Rin the other day rush back and he has to physically shake his head to avoid sadness from filling this moment. Rei blinks at him, noticing something off but Nagisa smiles and gets up from the floor where he was sitting. "Hi." He turns around the desk chair where Rei is and Nagisa has never been more grateful for having a chair with little wheels to move it. Rei opens his mouth in a silent question that he’s not answering. "I’m bored." He says instead and sits down on Rei’s lap.

"…Nagisa."

"Let’s do something else."

Rei inspects the sky through the window. “It’s late to go swimming.”

"Movie then?"

"Sure."

But Nagisa doesn’t even attempt to move and he’s actually hugging Rei, resting his head on the other’s shoulder. Rei feels the warm and calm breath against his neck, making him squirm. Anyway, he drops the pen he was holding and returns the hug, putting his hand on Nagisa’s back and drawing some formulas with his index.

They stay like that for what feels like the longest minutes in Rei’s life and even when he keeps feeling there’s something off with Nagisa, he still enjoys this closeness. He feels Nagisa rubbing his cheek against his shoulder and he sounds like a kitty purring. Rei is sure he’s blushing like mad but indulges himself with a fond smile.

"Rei." But the blond doesn’t elaborate any further and just lazily licks his pulse point before lightly biting the spot.

"Na— Nagisa!"

"Don’t you wanna make out with me now?" And Nagisa’s voice sounds so tiny and fragile it pains Rei. One of his hands tangles carefully in blond hair and with a little push their eyes meet.

"Is everything okay?"

"So you really don’t want to."

Rei smiles patiently. “That’s not what I said.” His other hand is on Nagisa’s lower back, thumb caressing in circular slow motions.

The silence is inviting and this is probably the first time Rei feels full force the need to be so painstakingly attentive with Nagisa. He knows there’s something wrong now, that Nagisa has something in his mind and it’s not a happy thought, he can tell.

"Is everything okay?" He repeats.

Nagisa’s eyes are on his lips and he smiles for him. "It is."

Rei doesn’t believe it but it looks like a good moment to drop the subject for now. He nods and presses their lips together. Nagisa answers immediately, like a starving man, and angles his head a bit but he gets frustrated with the glasses interfering so he removes them and leaves them on the desk. Rei doesn’t make a sound and accepts it. The kiss that comes next is all open mouths, rubbing tongues and muffled pleasured sounds. Nagisa claws at his shoulders and there’s some sort of desperation there, Rei can only think of gripping Nagisa tighter and pull him as close as possible.

They break apart for a few seconds to gulp some air in but as suddenly as they broke apart, they’re going at it again. The desk chair moans in protest while they keep kissing, Rei still feels that despair in Nagisa and it’s contagious, all he wants is to sink and drown in Nagisa’s mouth and make everything okay. He has this sense of urgency now and without even thinking about it he helps Nagisa grind their groins together.

It’s not the first time they make out but for the first time Rei feels like he needs to take things further.  _More_. He can’t put it into words, he doesn’t know the theory behind this. He knows Nagisa  _is_  beautiful though. And he’s aware of the fact that this seems to be what Nagisa not only wants, but also what he needs.

"Bed." Nagisa manages to gasp and he’s standing, pulling Rei with him in one graceful and fluid movement.

Where the strength to sprawl Rei on the bed comes from, he doesn’t know and right now, he couldn’t care less. Nagisa straddles him, hands slipping under his shirt. Rei yelps at the contact of cold fingers against the warm skin of his belly and Nagisa takes it as an invitation to drown the sound with his mouth. Rei doesn’t take too long to compose himself and direct all his attention into the kiss and into delivering caresses at every inch of Nagisa he’s able to reach.

"Rei…" Nagisa sighs on his mouth, exhalations warm and erratic. Rei is hard. And he feels Nagisa’s hard on pressing against his thigh.

It’s hot. They’re all alone.

And Rei can’t take it.

"Stop, stop!" He’s out of breath and pink eyes pierce him. Nagisa is in no better condition, mouth slack, breathing hurriedly, hands still under his shirt but they’re motionless now.

"What?"

"I… It’s just that…" Rei babbles, too lightheaded to actually say something coherent. "We can’t." He concludes, voice cracking.

"Why not?" Nagisa sits back, pouting. "There’s no one else here, this is our chance!"

Rei tries to fix his glasses only to remember they’re not there. Ironically, he feels more embarrassed about that than anything else.

"We shouldn’t."

"But  _why_?” Rei doesn’t have an answer for that, not one that makes sense that is. “I want to have sex with you.”

"That’s too straightforward Nagisa!" He shrieks, embarrassed, face too red and hot.

"You don’t want to?"

Rei takes some deep, calming breaths. Nagisa doesn’t necessarily look hurt but there’s an air of disappointment and it’s an awful feeling. Rei looks anywhere but Nagisa’s face, too ashamed.

"I do want to." He replies in a barely audible voice. Nagisa’s face lights up in a beautiful smile that Rei still doesn’t dare to look at. "But I don’t know if this is the right time."

"Oh." The silence is killing Rei and he peeks up at those pink eyes which are not looking at him now. He hears his own heart beating extremely fast, sound resonating on his ears. "Okay then." Nagisa’s tone is monotone, one he has never heard from him and it feels like someone is stabbing his heart.

The blond moves out of his reach and out of the bed.

"Nagisa, I—"

"Let’s watch a movie then!" He says suddenly in a burst of energy and happiness.

Rei has to think this is illogical, totally out of the books. He foolishly nods, unable to draw a line between what just happened - all hot physical contact - and this - Nagisa being himself but with a side touch of coldness Rei has never experienced before. It’s confusing. It’s heartclenching.

*

*

They all get together that sunday to swim. Rei thought about training exclusively with Nagisa but after what happened the night before it feels too dangerous, the both of them ended up watching a movie he can’t remember and then went to sleep as if nothing unusual transpired.

Rin and Haruka are already racing, Makoto pointedly ignoring them while stretching. Nagisa is already only in his swimsuit, feet in the water, kicking softly and splashing his own legs.

"I’ve won!" Rin announces proudly and Haruka doesn’t even direct him a look, deciding instead on submerging himself. "Did you hear me?!" But Haruka ignores him. Rin turns around and grins at Makoto. "You did hear me." And there’s a predatory glint in his eyes.

"Yes, yes." Makoto answers him distractedly and it pisses Rin off making Nagisa and Makoto laugh in unison.

Rei feels like he’s not there at all until Haruka comes out of the water and looks at him like saying _Your turn_.

"Thank you Haruka-senpai."

Rin goes out too. “Let’s do this!” And Rei nods, accepting the challenge. The last thing he notices before putting all his attention on Rin and training is that Makoto and Haruka sit beside Nagisa.

"How are you?" Makoto asks politely.

"Did you ask Rei out yet?" Haruka shows his lack of tact and Makoto looks dutifully scandalised. Nagisa recognizes that question as something Rin would say. He shakes his head and Haruka makes a noncommittal sound. "Are you going to?"

"Haru!"

"I don’t know anymore." And Nagisa decides this is the worst moment to commit sincericide but it’s too late. "I think Rei likes me but it’s not enough so it doesn’t make sense for me to push him into something he doesn’t want."

"What happened?" Makoto is sweet and considerate and makes his tone of voice as non-demanding as possible. Nagisa appreciates it.

Rin is yelling some instructions at Rei and the sound of water splashing is all the reply Rei gives him.

"It doesn’t really matter."

"It does." Haruka is adamant and Nagisa is surprised by it.

He looks away, thinking about the night before. He’s not particularly shy but feels his cheeks burn hot at the memory of soft skin under his hands and the way Rei seemed as desperate as he was.  _Illusions_. Rei backing down was definitely the last warning.

"I want to have sex with him." He says like it’s the most normal thing in the world. It actually is because they’re both teenage boys and well, isn’t it normal for him to think about sex? Nagisa is not a hopeless romantic, he knows the difference between  _sex_  and  _love_  but still. It hurt so much to feel unwanted.

"Wh—what?" Makoto stutters, flustered. Haruka looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue.

"Rei doesn’t want me like that." He bites his tongue feeling the burning of tears in his eyes. "He doesn’t like me  _that much_.” saying it out loud sure stings like hell but Nagisa can’t escape this.

Vaguely, he wonders if Rei can hear them talking. He probably  _can_  if he wants to, but he looks too focused on perfecting his swimming so he only has ears for Rin’s directions and nothing else right now.

"Did he tell you that?"

"Didn’t need to. I just know." He vows silently he won’t cry, not about this, not anymore.

Haruka half smirks and it’s something Nagisa hasn’t seen.

Makoto looks at him but Haruka is intently piercing Nagisa with a look. Rin watches them for a second or two but quickly goes back to Rei.

"I used to think that." It’s a confession and Makoto looks away suddenly, like it’s something he can’t stand.  _The idea of Haru feeling unloved is what he can’t stand_. The half smirk is not a nice gesture but it’s still there. “That the ones I love don’t want me.” Nagisa swallows against the lump in his throat. “But just because you feel like that…” He pauses somewhat troubled with himself. “Ask Rei.” And it sounds like an order.

He’s smiling but the tears fall down his cheeks all the same and he hates it.

"Nagisa." Makoto calls him tenderly and takes his hand, squeezing.

When did he get all these feelings for Rei? When did he decide that Rei not loving him back hurts too much?

He’s overwhelmed and Rei is right there, he could go and kiss him and scream at him, cry out every thought he has ever had.

He jumps into the pool and Makoto releases his hand, worried this would be a repetition of what happened the other day. Rin flashes an inquiring look at them but Haruka looks as uncertain as the others.

"Not again!" And he’s jumping in, bringing awareness to Rei. He doesn’t get it, Nagisa is only swimming right? But Makoto’s alarmed green eyes make him worry.

Despair clenches his heart again and he’s paralyzed until he sees Rin taking Nagisa out of the pool.

"What the fuck?!" He’s screaming and Nagisa is crying and Rei doesn’t understand anything.

"I wasn’t doing anything." Nagisa complains between sobs, convulsing in Rin’s chest.

"Listen to me and listen well Nagisa, you are loved."

"Shut up!"

"You are." Haruka reassures.

Makoto helps Rin with Nagisa who isn’t cooperating and Rei watches like he would watch a movie, alien to his life.

"Oi you!" And that kicks Rei into motion. "Come here to comfort your boyfriend!" Rin says half joking, half serious.

Rei nods and goes but Nagisa is still struggling in Makoto’s hold and he just doesn’t know what to do. It’s astonishing how strong Nagisa is and how patient Makoto can be.

"Let go!"

"Nagisa, just—-"

The blond isn’t exactly crying anymore but there’s this rawness it makes him shiver.  _You are loved_. And why would Rin say that? Is this because…?

"Nagisa." Rei pleads, body full of fears now that he thinks he’s understanding. Their eyes meet and it feels like a wall is crashing down, bearing him down.

"Let me go, I wasn’t doing anything wrong!"

Haruka puts a hand on his shoulder and it’s like Nagisa gets all his strength drained out of him, he starts sobbing again and hugs Makoto close.

Really, Rei doesn’t fit here.

*

Kou sits them all and offers them drinks and food. Nagisa’s eyes are swollen, Rei seems too immersed in his own thoughts and the other three look like someone has just told them the worst and cruelest truth. She sighs.

No one eats, Haru drinks his glass of water though. Rin taps his foot impatiently.

The tension is palpable but Kou doesn’t say anything about it. She sighs again.

"Just make sure to solve this before it affects your swimming." That’s all the advice she gives.

*

Rei and Nagisa walk in silence. Rei decided to go back with Nagisa at his house for the rest of the day as first planned, he doesn’t trust the blond to be completely alone until monday morning. He feels it’s his duty to make sure Nagisa goes to school tomorrow too.

Which is ridiculous and probably a bad idea right now but he can’t let go of that feeling of helplessness and urgency to hold Nagisa if he breaks down again.

They order pizza and eat in silence.

Rei keeps wondering if everything goes back to them not having sex yesterday and there’s not a single helpful text book about this, Rei is at lost. He thinks to himself that there’s more to it but that was probably the trigger.

Nagisa eats so little is worrisome but mostly, he exudes this tired aura and Rei gets it because crying like that is exhausting. He gets up and tidies the kitchen like he would in his own home. When he turns around Nagisa isn’t there, steps on the stairs reveal his path. Rei follows.

"You can go back to your house, Rei."

"It’s okay. I’d rather stay if you don’t mind." Totally absurd because he  _does_ mind. Nagisa doesn’t answer. Rei grabs his hand as soon as they enter his room but Nagisa doesn’t turn around. “Nagisa…”

He’s expecting the blow, Nagisa brusquely breaking the contact. The blond doesn’t.

"You don’t need to pity me."

"Good. Because I don’t."

_And where are they going with this?_

Nagisa feels like laughing but is afraid he’d end up crying again instead. He moves his arm making Rei release his grip. They stand in the middle of the room, dark night outside and too bright artificial light inside.

"What do you want from me then?"

"I don’t…" Rei isn’t sure what to reply. "Tell me what is going on." He actually begs and it doesn’t make Nagisa feel any better. He turns around this time and stares Rei down.

"I love you." He confesses and Rei blushes deliriously.  _Don’t back down, don’t back down, don’t back down._  “That’s what is going on.”

They’re probably too young and  _love_  is such a strong word. And damn, that’s how he feels.

Rei rearranges his glasses, struggling to find words and the blush has made his ears red with embarrassment too. He nods and Nagisa half smiles.

"I love you too." Rei finally whispers after a long suffering breath.

"You don’t."

"I do!" And Rei sounds so offended it’s almost funny. "Is this… is this because we— I—?"

Nagisa is tempted to say that it’s all Rei’s fault but how could he say that? "No."

"Then what is really going on? Why was Makoto-senpai so worried about you going underwater? Why were you crying? I don’t understand, I just don’t!" He says in a rush of words that leaves him breathless.

Nagisa smiles, timidly at first and then it blooms into a full smile. This is the Rei he loves and it’s comforting seeing him so worried, this is the strong-willed and driven Rei he fell for.

"I’m sorry I worried you so much." But his light expression gives him away.

"I don’t mind worrying about you, just let me in please!" As soon as the words are out of his mouth his whole face dyes a shade of red that could compete with the Matsuoka sibling’s hair color. "I love you." He repeats and it looks like he’s going to be brave now. "I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings yesterday." The floor seems the most interesting thing ever simply because he can’t get over this bashfulness to look Nagisa in the face. "I— I would love to um make love with you, it’s just that… I would like to— to do some research before and. Um. Maybe take you to a nice restaurant too."

Nagisa starts laughing out of pure joy making Rei smile broadly too.

"Oh Rei-chan!" He throws himself at Rei’s arms, shrieking with laughter since he’s tired of crying. "Love you so much! Yes, let’s go to a restaurant first, or whatever you want, yes!"

*

Rin is sleeping, snoring softly when the text message alarm goes off and wakes him up. He curses under his breath hearing the rustle of fabric and movement from the top bed where Aiichirou is.

He takes his damn phone squinting at the screen.

_Rei-chan asked ME out._

Rin could almost hear the prideful tone.

"Damn you two, it was about time." He mumbles before cuddling in the warm spot on his bed and falling spleep again.


End file.
